Flat Lays Are The New Black

By now you’re acquainted with the art of delicately placing the contents of your pantry onto a textured surface and taking photos of the result. Flat lays are the new black, and our collective fascination with these visual stimulants shows no sign of wavering.

Tangent: my frankfurter ankles generally look like they’ve just stepped off along haul flight, only the wind changed and they never deflated. Consequently, cute flat lays featuring pedicured toenails and boho anklets isn’t really putting my best foot forward. Similarly, when you suffer crippling dermatitis on your pale paws like ‘somebody I know’, depositing an ethereal hand into the frame isn’t really an option. Unless of course, you run an Instagram handle dedicated to flat lay fails, which is basically just my personal account without the official title.

Flat lays are some form of intoxicating mystery. They are really only well executed by the rarest of unicorn creatives. These mystical creatures have been bestowed with the gift of splaying out random items on the floor and making them look palatable and inspiring. Yes, they are masterful fairies, with the power to throw a bunch of seemingly redundant shit into the air and have it float down to form a perfectly curated ‘messy bed’ or ‘rustic kitchen’ scene. Mere mortals marvel at this craft with curious wonder, considering whether they too could possibly lay out a couple of tuna ryvitas and can of Diet Coke on their melamine cubicle desk in a similarly endearing manner. Packaged foods and aspartame is so 2016, right?

Indeed, they are hard to pull off. But I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a short checklist to help you #lifehack your flat lays on social media. All you need is:

 Linen sheets (in ‘White’ , or white’s cousin, ‘Antique White’) American Oak furniture (handcrafted by artisans, artisans with gorgeous hands and faces) Cups of tea. Never publish a flat lay without the compulsory placement of your cup of tea surrounded by a few suggestive crumbs. Herbal where possible. Beautiful hands and feet. Long lithe toes favoured over curled-up claws like the ones I was born with. #blessed A touch of whimsy – infuse colour and quirk into the mix. Rugs, animals, children, clothing, organic produce, weeds etc.

Using the above guidelines, I was able to expertly prepare this glorious nod to perfection on a two-dimensional surface:

Then again, on second observation, perhaps I should leave the magic to the real experts and stick to poorly composed photos of animals and wine time with the girl squad. I wish you luck in all future flat lay endeavours, and may natural light be ever in your favour.